Grrl Power #439 – Valve hasn’t announced Portal Tree yet
Sydney was excitable – some might say injury prone – before she knew that the world contained the many potential wonders of things only possible due to super powers. She knew supers existed, but there’s a big difference between knowing something exists and having it feature heavily in your day to day life. Now that that’s the case for her… well, she runs headlong into trees with surprising confidence.
The question must be asked, what would someone put on a sign that would actually keep you out? Any sign trying too hard (much like this one) would only invite curiosity. If this comic was slightly more serious I think biohazard symbols and something about airborne infectious agents. Some sort of explosive hemorrhagic fever that promises to burst your eyes last so you can watch the rest of your body melt first… Nope, see, that’s trying too hard again.
Maybe “Warning: Worlds 7th most boring tunnel.” Cause of course, the most boring tunnel can’t even exist by virtue of it’s own internal paradox. Maybe just a sign about raw sewage?
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"Mature"Mature subject matter and occasionally something explicit but usually safe. Can't guarantee the ads are safe though.
Dongs Ahoy!Full frontal and backal. Lots of skin, sex on some or all pages, explicit or otherwise.
” No wifi”? Reminds me of that scene in Airplane 2.
Angry Passenger: “Miss! Are you really telling us everything?!”
Stewardess: “No. We’re also out of coffee.”
(Panic ensues.)
Note that this happens after she runs off a long list of life-threatening things, not the least of which is that the space plane they’re on is on a collision course with the sun, and nobody is even slightly perturbed by any of it.
TV Tropes calls that “Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking”. As for others having no reaction to the “arson and murder” but a reaction to the “jaywalking”, they have a term for that too, I just don’t remember what it is.
Bathos.
How about “Restricted access! Unauthorized People ONLY!!”
Most people would assume it is somebody playing a joke, and just roll their eyes at it.
That is actually a good idea. I should use that sometime.
That’s clever and funny, but IRL I’m sure there would be this 1 moron, who wandered in and then won a law-suit because the sign _clearly_ stated “unauthorized people only”. Like you know, in the land of “warning hot coffe is hot” law-suits. :D
You mean “warning, hot coffee is served above Health Department guidelines and can cause severe burns requiring skin grafts and surgery. This branch was already warned by the Health Department, and maintains their higher temperature despite that warning so that the coffee is still hot when you reach your destination” lawsuits?
https://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2015/07/truth-infamous-mcdonalds-hot-coffee-incident/
Summary: Seriously, that coffee was way too hot, and MCD’s refused to help with any medical bills.
That particular case also resulted in the founding of a website called Stella Awards (which specializes in highlighting lawsuit abuse). Unfortunately it was discontinued after 2007 so the author could move on to other projects. It does, however, list a lot of cases that have made me lose faith in the human race. For example…
An adult gets drunk at a party, drives away, and is killed in a car crash. Who’s to blame? Not the drunk! His girlfriend, for letting him drive. His girlfriend’s mother, for buying the car for her daughter. The owner of the house the party was in, even though he wasn’t there. The girl who rented the house from him. Oh, yeah: and Coors Brewing Co., who made the beer.
An attorney cleaning his pool decides to use the pool skimmer knock a palm frond off overhead electrical wires. When he’s quite naturally electrocuted, his wife knows who’s to blame: the electric company and the company who sold him the pool skimmer, of course!
A man got hit by lightning in a parking lot. A classic “act of God”? Heavens no! It’s the fault of the amusement park that owns the lot, he said in his lawsuit: They “should have told the people not to go to their cars.”
A group of female employees at a supermarket sees a customer walk through the store wearing tight “see-through” shorts, with nothing on under. “Sexual harassment!” they cry in unison in a Human Rights Act lawsuit (the jury threw the case out on its rear.)
A teenager threw herself off the Golden Gate Bridge. Tragic, but who’s to blame? With no one logical to sue, the girl’s mother sued the bridge’s board of directors, claiming they violated the teen’s “constitutional right not to be deprived of life without due process of law.”
Personally, I sometimes think it would be better if there were unintended consequences for frivolous lawsuits. Like the time a lawyer sued an airline because he was forced to sit next to a fat man. The lawyer said, “He and I were literally and figuratively married from the right kneecap to the shoulder for two hours.” If I had been the judge, my reply would have been, “So maybe he should be asking for a divorce settlement. Get out of my courtroom.”
There is a tradition that the loser of a lawsuit pays the costs of the trial, but – in Canada, anyway, I don’t know about other jurisdictions – it’s ultimately at the judge/justice’s discretion. It’s fairly common for the plaintiff to be required to pay costs for frivolous lawsuits in Canada.
It’s that way here, too. But more than likely, the plaintiff is only required to pay the court fees and his own attorney’s fees. The defendant probably has to pay their own attorney’s fees.
However, someone who files enough frivolous lawsuits can be declared a vexatious litigant. Someone who is on this list usually cannot retain legal council (because an attorney can be disbarred for participating in the abuse of the legal process). They are also either forbidden from any further legal action, or are required to receive permission from a senior judge before taking legal action.
It’s very serious and very uncommon, and there are specific criteria that must be met before someone can be declared a vexatious litigant, because judges and officials are reluctant to curtail a person’s access to the courts. For example, in Australia, only about 34 people have been declared vexatious over the last 86 years (the law was first enacted in 1930).
There are some notable ones, however, such as Lawrence Bittaker (convicted of five murders of young women in California); he filed 40 separate frivolous lawsuits against the state of California, including one for “cruel and unusual punishment” for being served a broken cookie. There’s also Dorothy Squires, the ex-wife of Roger Moore, who filed so many frivolous lawsuits that her legal fees caused her bankruptcy. And the Church of Scientology is on that list as well.
Oh, we mustn’t forget Jonathan Lee Riches, who filed over 2,600 lawsuits in federal district courts across the country. Some of the defendants listed in his lawsuits include George W. Bush, Martha Stewart, NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon, former quarterback Michael Vick, Steve Jobs, Perez Hilton, Britney Spears, Somali pirates, the Nazi party, the 13 tribes of Israel, Plato, Nostradamus, Che Guevara, James Hoffa, “various Buddhist monks”, all survivors of the Holocaust, the Lincoln Memorial, the Eiffel Tower, the USS Cole, the book Mein Kampf, the Garden of Eden, the Roman Empire, the Dark Ages, the Appalachian Trail, Plymouth Rock, the Holy Grail, Nordic gods, the dwarf planet Pluto, and the entire Three Mile Island.
P.S. Don’t worry, almost all of his lawsuits were dismissed as being frivolous or malicious, or for failing to state a claim upon which relief could be granted, and he was (finally!) declared a vexatious litigant.
Are these on a website somewhere? I’d love to see Mr Riches’ list of lawsuits. Sounds like a hilarious read.
Also, as a native of California, I must say, HOW DARE THE STATE GIVE HIM A BROKEN COOKIE?!! His story MUST be made into a Hollywood film to broadcast the denigration of human rights brought upon us by the Hollywood mentality. This injustice cannot stand so long as I can profit from it!
…..oops, that last part was supposed to be internal.
Unfortunately, no. Not all in one place, anyway. I agree that it would be a hilarious read! One of the most well-known cases is when he sued the Guiness Book of World Records to keep them from listing him as the “world’s most litigious person”.
(There’s a ton of hearsay about that one… For example, one rumor says that when they went ahead and listed him anyway, he sued them again for getting the number wrong! The truth is that he did sue them, but Guiness was never going to list him in the first place. They have no category for “World’s most litigious person”. But if they did, he’d be it…)
By the way, Mr. Riches got his comeuppance in 2010, when the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Kentucky sued him for “wasting judicial resources”. That was the same year he was declared a vexatious litigant. At least it’s nice to know that the United States does not have the monopoly on crazy court cases.
(1) Frederic Desnard, a Frenchman, sued his bosses for the equivalent of 280,000 British pounds because his work was too boring. (Case dismissed.)
(2) Cathie Kelley in Glasgow tried to sue the landlord of her workplace for 7,000 quid because a seagull attacked her and pooped on her. She said it was their responsibility to deal with the problem of the gulls, which became aggressive when their chicks were born. (Case dismissed, because she could not prove that the gull that attacked her came from her building.)
(3) Also in Glasgow, a police officer tried to sue for 1.5 million quid due to a pineapple-related injury. (You read that right: A pineapple-related injury. You don’t see those every day.) She was was struck by the tropical fruit during a protest at the closure of a swimming pool in 2001. She claimed that she was forced to quit her job as a result of the minor injury and spent three years as a mentally scarred recluse. However, the judge heard testimony that when she was diagnosed with PTSD, she shouted “Ka-ching! I’m in the money!” Because she had, in fact, been diagnosed with PTSD, she was granted a mere 3,000 quid.
(4) In Derbyshire, a woman won a Renault Clio from Radio Buxton, only to find out that it was a 4-inch scale model of the Clio. She sued for 8,000 quid (the price of the real thing). Now, that sounds silly on the face of it, but the judge agreed with her because the radio station had failed to disclose the fact that the prize was only a 4-inch toy. So a judge at the crown court determined that a contract had been formed between the station and the competition winner, and forced them to pay up.
(5) Philosophy undergraduate Teunis Tenbrook sued Erasmus University in Rotterdam after they expelled him for stinky feet. The staff said that the odor made it impossible to work. He won. The judge told the staff “you’ll just have to hold your nose.”
(4) Just result. The radio station were perpetrating a fraud on their entire listenership. They will have gained increased market share, at the cost of their competitors, whilst the competition was running. And many individuals may have spent time and effort attempting to win the ‘car’. Far more than might, if it were described as a toy.
(5) Likewise fair.
The defendants, in both instances, were the crazy ones, rather than the plaintiffs.
I agree. The cases still sounded crazy, though, which is why I listed them.
(Seriously, expelling a student for stinky feet? What were they thinking? Smelly feet are not a crime, and any employee with half a brain should have expected that it would lead to a lawsuit. Which is exactly what happened.)
(2) Wait, so you’re saying if she proved that the gull came from the building, she might have won? I need to tell my sister she has a case against the state of California for a sea gull stealing her burger at a public beach.
Those types of cases really anger me. The real criminal in these cases (imo) are the judges that don’t immediately hold these idiots in contempt. I call it ‘the weakening of the human race’.
Seriously, when did we stop expecting to be treated like adults who are responsible for the outcome of our own actions? I swear every year more and more ‘adults’ are really just post puberty children.
Ah, but that’s the legal process for you. As long as they’re not being rude or disrespectful to legal authorities in the courtroom, or wilfully failing to obey a court order, the judge cannot hold them in contempt.
While you could argue that they’re being disrespectful to the legal process (and I would agree with you!), that’s not part of the definition of “contempt of court”. So any judge trying to hold these idiots in contempt simply for filing stupid lawsuits, would end up reprimanded and maybe even disbarred.
I’m in total agreement with you on this, too. Remember those warnings on Coke bottles, “do not point at face while opening”? Well, in my opinion, anyone who deliberately shakes up a bottle of Coke and points it at his face deserves to lose an eye.
It’s lawsuits like these that are one of the causes of stupid warning labels. Case in point, on a bottle of sleeping pills: “Warning! May cause drowsiness!” Well duh, ya think? It’s a sleeping pill! It’s supposed to cause drowsiness! What they’re worried about is that some idiot will think “oh, this isn’t working, I’m not sleepy at all” and then start operating heavy machinery or something, fall asleep at the controls, and end up maimed or killed.
Pretty sure even mentos in your coke wouldn’t take an eye out. You’d need a champagne cork for that.
Eh, probably not, but the point is still made: They shouldn’t need to put that on the warning label. I’ve seen some really stupid ones, many of which were the result of lawsuits that the plaintiff should not have won. For example:
Seen on a 6-piece precision screwdriver set: “not to be inserted into penis”
Seen on a Razor scooter: “This product moves when used.” (um, Duh!)
Seen on a bottle of pills for a dog: “Use care when operating a car”
Seen on a birthday card: “Not suitable for children under 3 years due to small parts”.
Seen on a bag of peanuts: “Contains peanuts.” (I sort of hope so!)
Seen on a letter opener: “Safety goggles recommended.”
Seen on some sort of skin cream: “Avoid contact with eyes, ears, brain…” (emphasis mine)
Seen on a chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop moving chain with hands or penis.”
Seen on a Dremel rotary tool: “Not intended for use as a dental drill or in other medical applications.”
Seen on a hair dryer: “Do not use to dry hair while sleeping.”
Seriously, I wish they could just put a warning label that says “We cannot be held legally responsible for anything obviously stupid that you do with our product.”
Humans do silly things with their hands all the time, especially if distracted, or simply not thinking. So that part, albeit obvious, is a justified reminder, to pay attention. But, who would ever attempt to use their penis to stop a chainsaw?
*crosses hind-legs in empathy*
As I remember, this particular warning was ‘Do not attempt to stop moving chain with hands, feet, or genitals’. Unfortunately, there was apparently a European porn film that used a fake chainsaw, and did this… and someone apparently attempted it in real life with a normal chainsaw.
I happen to be sitting by a flashlight that demands safety glasses for its use, has a pacemaker warning, a warning about battery insertion, a warning to inspect it before every use, and a warning on the brass contacts internally potentially containing lead.
Litigation in the US has gotten fairly extreme, and it would seem that the ‘reasonable man standard’ has gotten… unreasonable.
A case in point, one where a California thief sued the landowner (and won) due to his choice to shatter the rear door window, and cutting himself… and ending up owning the property.
Were I the judge in such a case, it would be an ‘occupational hazard’, right along with being bitten by dogs, or shot in self-defense for such a ‘trade’.
“Warning: May contain nut traces.” becomes a lot scarier when on ghost pepper peanuts.
The real problem is that judges are formerly lawyers. There is no real exam based on intelligence, personal bias, ego and upholding the spirit of the law – instead we get the Ferengi and the rules of acquisition based on sun tzu, Machiavelli, 1984, Brazil and pewees playhouse.
Not so sure about that last one since there was intelligence involved and stuff got done.
And that McDonald’s knew that the coffee was hot enough to melt their cups:
https://www.wnyc.org/story/retro-report-true-story-behind-spilled-mcdonalds-coffee/
Sorry, wrong link:
https://www.wnyc.org/story/145272-hot-coffee
The most effective sign would just be, a quickly scribbled.
“NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE”
Make the warnings sound dangerous, unpleasant, and boring.
Caution: Black Mold Hazard
Caution: Asbestos Abatement Area
Caution: Sulfur Dioxide
Warning sign with “asbestos” is usually good enough. Just about everyone knows why it is dangerous, and knows that recovered abestos has no commercial value.
Back in early 1980’s, I lived in a few miles distance from a place called “death pits”. The death pits are post-glacial sinkholes, and some of the pits were used as dumping grounds for WW2-era military ordinance. When bombs or artillery shells were found from ground and lake-bottoms, they were dumped into one of the pits.
Despite all the warning signs and barbed-wire feces, local kids would rappel down the pit sides, pick up some shells, and recover the explosives for their own use. When new load of bombs were brought in, we would use binoculars look down the pit to see what was brought in and where it was dumped.
However, today nobody goes near the ordinance dump pit. According to the new warning signs, that pit is now used to dispose asbestos waste.
Most effective warning sign I’ve seen was very straightforward: “KEEP OUT – SEWAGE LAGOON”.
WARNING
High pressure, super-heated sewage treatment facility. Emergency access point only.
DO NOT ENTER, unless wearing: pressure resistant, fire proof, full bio-hazard suit, with integral air supply.
Some of the buildings used in the early days of uranium mining have a triple threat.
Radioactive asbestos with dioxin.
And because they are in the part of the country where plague is endemic, it’s quite possible to add that to the list of reasons not to enter that area. Plus, of course rattlesnake and scorpions, but that’s just the southwest in general.
Wait, did you say plague is endemic in the southwest? That’s horrifying.
I’m surprised that nobody has speculated about what’s actually behind the door.
A chilli bake-off, and Sydney is the surprise judge?
☐ A Godzilla containment and breeding facility.
☑ A MIB-style secret base.
☑ Dabbler, Peggy, Gwen and Pixel playing poker. “What took you so long?”
☐ Dabbler, Peggy, Gwen and Pixel playing strip-poker. “Come join us.”
☐ A “whisking away” facility for Sydney and orbs to be poked and prodded at.*
* As suggested by someone elsewhere in these comments.
_____________________________________________________________________
If you wish to create your own suggestions, this way, use:
☐ for ☐ (ballot box)
☑ for ☑ (ballot box, with check mark)
Why won’t it let me tick box #3? o_O
That is because it already has one in it.
That and the fact they are just text, so would not change (just in case you were not saying that tongue-in-cheek).
oop! meant box four :(
Failed at making a funny :( :(
Actually you succeeded. in making me laugh, the way you intended. Then I contemplated the outside chance that your question might have a serious side to it. I decided that laughing at a serious question, would come over as mocking. Whereas playing it straight would just make me look like I had a sense-of-humour-bypass.
The former would be bad. Whereas the later does not bother me. So I stifled my chuckling and played it straight.
I too hope we mgiht get to see option 4 in Grrl Power After Dark, someday.
*wags tail hopefully*
Question is: who are they inviting to join? Sydney or Maxi? :D
Actually, Sydney, Maxi and Dabbles have already played a round of Poker where someone ended up nekkid :P
Beware: Gluten Eating, Fur Wearing, Politically Inclined, Reality TV Celebutant Resides Within.
i wear fur…on my head…i call it hair…it’s organically attached to my scalp and has been since birth
Fur and hair are actually different things, as it turns out. Fur, I think, has to have layers or something and is somehow structurally different than hair. Humans have hair but not fur.
Hair and fur are chemically indistinguishable. They are both made of keratin (the same stuff that your fingernails and toenails are made of, btw). But you are correct that they are structurally different. An animal’s fur tends to grow to a certain point and then simply fall out, to be replaced by new hair when and as the time is right, whereas strands of human hair tend to grow independently, and has to be cut according to one’s preference (If the follicle dies, the hair will fall out, but otherwise, hair does not stop growing.)
Another key difference is the core of the hair follicle. In case of animals, the core allows for the coating of hair to provide excellent insulation from not only heat and cold, but also a fair amount of protection from rain as well. Along with these thermal regulating qualities, coarse nature of animal hair works as a great means of holding in cold or heat, as well as preventing rain and moisture. Human hair does not have insulating qualities (but does still aid in thermoregulation).
There’s a few other differences, such as how fur tends to have two layers. The inner layer is called down, and provides thermal regulation. The outer layer is the guard hair, and is adapted to shedding water and blocking sunlight, and protecting the undercoat and skin from external factors such as rain and ultraviolet radiation.
I must point out that technically speaking, an animal’s fur is hair… when studying individual strands under a microscope, a scientist will say “the hairs of the fur”. And, as I pointed out in the previous paragraph, the outer layer of fur is called “guard hairs“.
How come I do not see human pubic hair growing out of dresses or the bottom of trouser legs? Do y’all go to the pubic topiary barber and have it all carved into the shapes of flamingos and castles?
1. because it falls out after a while.
2. most pubic hair is curly.
3. i have seen sculpted pubic hair before and a flamingo seems too complex an image to do. (don’t post a disproof)
I am resisting a request about the strip poker game…. I must resist….
I have it on good authority that humans do this sort of thing.
And frankly, I’m glad.
::flicks his tail and shakes his mane::
Maxima probably shouldn’t have mentioned the illusion checking ability, even if it could be taken as just telling her to try sticking her hand through it first, because it sounds like she has illusion-seeing-through abilities, which she does but isn’t supposed to tell anyone about.
Umm, she didn’t say how she should have checked, a simple way would have been slowly moving your hand towards the tree, if it didn’t stop then it is safe to proceed (but not at high speed)
Very good point.
They are in an isolated area, with a couple of look-outs, who have just confirmed that it is all-clear. Maxima is not taking a huge risk. Although she may actually want Sydney to use her true-sight, as a final check, to ensure that there are none of the invisible lurkers you suspect.
Ninjas we hope the guards would be competent at spotting.
Always expect ninjas.
what about the Spanish inquisition?
You will never expect them whatever you do. So don’t mess with them if you dislike comfy chairs and soft pillows.
Actually, though, in my experience…
If you have a door and it is unlocked, people will just walk through it without seeing the signage, no matter how large or noticeable.
Make the sign out of a 300 ton slab of rock, and place it blocking the entrance.
That’s called a dormant volcano. And even that door opens from time to time…
But superheroes never make their secret base in a volcano. That is a supervillain thing.
Bu then the supervillains would say: “Challlenge accepted!”
Sweet, that will save Archon a lot of trouble, having to try and find them.
that would be a funny plot line! the setup would be epic. and the faces… oh the faces…..
“I can lift this 300 ton slab of rock but you weak villains can’t. Sincerely: Maxima.”
They will find a way to squeeze past, just so they can tell me, “There’s a 300-ton slab of rock blocking your door.”
Seriously–I once made a “closed” sign that covered the entire door–and part of the adjacent windows. Foot traffic decreased by less than 30 percent. And a couple said they came in “because they couldn’t see what was going on because the door was blocked.”
Good ones are “Guarded by shotgun three days a week” and “No Trespassing or you will be kilt”
Trespassers will be digested.
Please bring condiments and an after dinner mint
.
Salt, Pepper, and Memphis rub are located in shakers on the tree stump.
Please apply vigorously and generously. You may face the recording camera at your discretion.
Noooo! Don’t make me to wear a kilt! That wouldn’t be pretty.
When I want people to stay out of food at work I write “I have been licked” on it. Most people hesitate to drink your milk if it’s open and someone else’s lips have touched it.
Therefore the sign should read “I HAVE LICKED EVERY OBJECT INSIDE. You were warned…”
“Warning: May contain soy.” is surprisingly effective on food aswell.
“No Pokemon Available Within”
“Warning: Bored Snipers, please dodge entertainingly”
Text composed of bullet holes fired from different angles.
Chthonic Sacrifice Orientation Center.
Please remove clothing and deposit in recycling bin.
Well, I finally caught up. This comic is seriously amazing. Anyway, I’m gonna wait for new strips to pile up before I come back. Like I said before, I can’t stand reading comics with awesome narratives like this one at a page a week…
Welcome aboard to the loony bin that is GrrlPower fandom. By the way, there are two updates, one on Monday and another on Thursday. It is almost all Dave B can do to keep up.
See you around some time.
Have to love the spies like us reference….
For some reason this won’t load for me on the site. I have checked many of the other pages and this is the only one that won’t load for me. Today’s comic (Thursday) loads, but not this one. Any ideas on how to fix this? I hate missing any of this series.
Also, I just noticed that there is a broken image to the left of Sydney on the banner up top on every single page for me.
I suggest you force a refresh of your memory cache. For Chrome it is CTRL+F5. That should clear the incorrect version you have stored in your device’s memory, and will replace it with an up to date one.
The banner to the left of Sydney is the title banner. I have not heard of that happening before, so I guess it is just a temporary display glitch.* Hopefully that will be fixed too, when you refresh your cache.
* Back when I had a poor connection, if it was running particularly badly various elements would not load (on this and some other websites), but that sorted itself out whenever the connection stabilised. Just keep an eye on your general performance, to see if that is happening with other things too. Or check your connection speed with:
https://www.speedtest.net/
Interesting timing of the code phrase bit. My wife cuts up fruit and puts them in containers for me to take to work (tasty snack :-) ). She put them on the low wall between the living room and the stairs leading down to our front door. She said, “The fruit is on the landing”…where upon she realized that sounded like a code-phrase. Upon informing me of her realization, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I kept imagining some guy speaking urgently into his wrist-com, “The fruit is on the landing! I repeat, THE FRUIT IS ON THE LANDING!” It made for an entertaining drive to work. :-)
:-D
The fruit is on the landing, and the nuts have left the house.
I am laughing so hard at Sydney face-butting the tree!
All those code phrases, but no “Happy meal with extra happy”?
What to put on a sign to keep people out is a topic that has haunted radiation-safety specialists for many a decade. I know ‘cos I used to be one of them (although I was never one of the ones responsible for designing rad-waste tombs that might outlast the society that built them).